Gaining ground

I find myself as of late being left completely alone for extended amounts of time. I truly don't know how to take this at this point in my life. At some ends, it feels great to have so much free time, but then at other ends, it feels like I have just been abandoned. No one is bothering with trying to really communicate with me about what is going on in my life. It's like life itself is working against me being able to do anything but work and go to the gym. It gets depressing because there is so much going on out there that I want to do, but my stupid schedule keeps getting in the way.

Either way, I am grateful for this newfound solace and I'm glad that I have an income. I just don't want to work this schedule any longer. The balance of harmony is what I am truly aiming for in my life. I want to have the freedom to have my creative pursuits enjoyed and explored but I need the income to pay for my needs and desires. Where is the line?

The question I am having now I guess, is what makes me so horrible that people abandon me so often? If I am the common denominator of what is happening, then I must examine what I am thinking and doing altogether. A wedding happened out of state that was planned for months in advance, but I was left completely out of the loop for all of it. At first, I was simply happy for them and everyone who attended. But now, I have some "after effect" emotions about it.

Like, because I was working forced overtime at my "job", I am left out and never called for any part of the event at all. Mind you, this isn't the only wedding I was exclusively not invited to. The first wedding involved a former bestie whom I lived with for some years. His "wife" exclusively didn't invite me because of my "lifestyle". Yeah, you know, the one I was born with that can't be helped as in sexual orientation.

Here's my solution, I'm wiping the slate completely clean and starting over. Of all people I owe anything, I completely forgot to love and appreciate who I actually am. And it is way overdue, for a makeover in my own life. So let me raise this wine glass and congratulate myself on new beginnings and better feelings.