Homophobia- what it actually is

So many people have a label, (and even an opinion), when it comes to the L.G.B.T. community. The label of "homophobia" is supposed to be the fear of same sex loving individuals. At least that is what the dictionary will actually tell you. I however, have a completely different story to tell about this word and what it relates to in my life.

Homophobia is a fear indeed. But the funny thing is, I have never encountered a single person that reacted with an actual "fear" based behavior. In each scenario, the "homophobic" is always taking the role of the oppressor. If you are actually afraid of something, then how can violate and immature behavior almost always be the end result? Why go to such great lengths to insult and degrade and even go so far to cause harm to someone else?

 From verbal insults, beatings, and even murder, gay people have had to hide in times past to protect themselves from those who were supposed to be afraid of them. But the only fear I can personally see being demonstrated, is a fear of actually being gay. If you are truly secure in your own sexuality, then why oppress another person for their own? Or is it that you actually have a fear that you are hiding the fact that you are actually gay?

Being raised by an extremely conservative mother, I witnessed homophobia first hand from since childhood. From my own mother and sisters, I was ridiculed and abused both emotionally and physically for something I actually could not control. I was made to feel inferior for acting feminine. Even after I adopted a warrior aspect for my own persona, I was still made to feel inferior simply because of who I was attracted to.

I was labeled a mutant. I was exiled as an outcast like trash. The very people who brought me within this existence were the very ones that were my worst oppressors. Were they afraid of me? Not in the least. Did they show me signs of actual fear? Never once. Homophobia to me is a lie unto itself as just a pathetic excuse for ignorant people to act like assholes.

But from these humble beginnings, I learned that not all people are ignorant. The true homophobia in my own eyes was in how people would react to finding out that I myself was different. I recall being a gay teenager. I had to play a double lifestyle and even a double persona. The fear of people coming after me placed me in a position of fear. It placed me in a position of hating myself for being a mutant. It placed me in a position of shame that I never asked for. Why should I be afraid if I am not "homophobic"?

But despite all of this, I have learned what love truly is. Despite my twisted past, I have learned to focus on better things and eventually, better people. I am often asked about my past and my family. People ask me why I don't go back to see my family. But I ask you, after all of that hatred, how can I return to what tried to box me? I do not look upon my family with hatred for ignorance. I choose to look at my family as the ones who love me without judgment. The very ones who have helped me rise above conflict and even emotional and financial strife, do not share my DNA.