So what if?

What if I had been born in the same lifeline but got to have a relationship with my Grandparents? Would they tell me that spiritual abilities were in my family? What if my father wasn't the way he was and we had a relationship? Would he have guided me to control my strength? What if my life took a different route and everything was explained to me in the first place? Would I have been more merciful to everyone I encountered?  What if I had a teacher guide me towards understanding myself and help me understanding these abilities that I have? Would I have not hurt so many people?

I have pondered on all of this and understand that life itself is made the way it is for some very definite reasons. Those reasons resonate with a non physical part of ourselves in totality. I was born the way I was born for a reason. I have experienced all of this life in the perspective of my own for fate's sake. So far, I have only loved three people. I am one of the eldest in the people that I know, and yet I am watching them age older in appearance than myself.

I stand in mystery to what God made me be. Though I was told, many others will never truly "get it". Can someone truly love me? Am I meant to do greater things still? What am I to do with these people that are looking to me for constant answers?  Why are my emotions so powerful? These are questions that deserve answers. I am wondering if there is another version of me out there that can give them to me. I have served you Father for such a long time now. Will I ever get a reward like you gave the others? Will I ever be able to do the balancing act of raising a family and serving you?

I know full well what I signed up for. It's not like you gave me much of a choice during that "event" in 2001. But I'm not in regret for that. I simply wish I could take better advantage of the cards that have been dealt to me. You allow me to do so many powerful things, and yet, there is this emptiness that resides. It's as if I can't feel complete unless I am assisting others. How do I overcome this flaw? Why are you hiding my truest abilities away from others? Only people who ask can truly get the answer. I see that now as well. I simply wish this loneliness would go away.