When you hit the wall.

So in light of recent events, I have to take a hard close look at myself. I have been unemployed for the most part of a year. I have tried desperately to get work, any work in all of that time, despite setbacks and constantly getting played by damn well every employer I have tried to get employed to. Here's my question: Why is it so damn hard to simply get a job for me?

I have all my i's dotted and all of my t's crossed. My resume is practically flawless. I put in a two week notice from the last major big box retailer I was working at with wonderful blessings and graces after working there for 9 years. Now I'm questioning my life and everything in it.

My roommates are wonderful and many of my friends have helped me dearly. But now I once again face that in your face heavy to the surface fear. What are you going to do Q? I see others get jobs within weeks of being here and for some unknown reason, I'm stuck. I need a miracle at this point. Though I will be grateful that I'm not homeless. I will be grateful that I have some food to eat. I will be grateful that I have a lot of time to "think" and create my artworks.

My stress comes from months of struggle and months of WTF moments once I get the interview. I would get an auto response in many cases telling me that "you're overqualified" or even when I would get the interview, something weird would happen to "prevent" me from getting the job. A generator fire at the office building? Really? A server wipe of all applications right after the manager puts in my recommendation to H.R.?

It's things like this that make me question my life and what direction I am heading in. Am I simply not going to get regular work anymore? Did my time at the retail store ruin me for further employment? What am I doing wrong in this world? Was I truly born the wrong skin color? What in the actual fuck is going on?

Is this where the story ends? What the hell?

Desperate, Broke, and Unemployed.

The difference your friends can make.

In all these months of studying vibrational frequency, I've come to a conclusion about people. You can enable or disable the type of people that are in your life. I've come to realize that you cannot keep poor minded people in your circle when you yourself are aspiring to do better. I love everyone who has come and gone from my life in general, but so many had to be put on the chopping block for the sake of my growing need for sanity.

The old saying goes: "You are a reflection of the company you keep." I can definitely see where this is a true statement. The friends I had in high school are so much the same that they were before, but it was I that had changed. I had evolved past their state of thinking. I no longer wanted to take part of their ignorance. So I left for the military and got a whole new perspective on everything.

Upon coming back to Atlanta, I was well adjusted to a new way of thinking and saw that my old friends had still remained exactly as I had left them. I had to leave them behind yet again. Their thinking and my thinking were no longer a match. Different goals equate different ways of thinking, which equals different vibrations. The thought of catching up with any of them disillusions me. It is still even after all of this time, more of the same. I myself had changed drastically.

I am no longer the helpless victim of circumstances. I am now the hero of my own story. I am now the inspiring person who loves his own transformations. I am now the one who will not tolerate or deal with negative people. Yes, I have changed, and thankfully for my own benefit. It looks like this sort of thing happens every decade for me. That some people simply don't make the cut to be bothered with.

This isn't to disrespect anyone. It is a fact of life that must be addressed at a certain point. You have the people you grow up with and then you have the people you can expand with. So if your circle of friends genuinely make you happy, you have found your tribe. If they do not, it is time for a change.

Be that change.

Into the new void

It is a new year upon us. The lunar new year now as we speak. I have reached a weird place in my life. For whatever cosmic reason, I'm still where I am. I want to leave here and never look back. As a matter of fact, I want to go quite far away and start my life completely over. To a place where no one knows me at all. Wipe it all clean and feel good about all the stuff that never mattered. The people that never mattered will be distant memories of my subconscious.

All to start over again and fresh into a life filled with peace and prosperity and joy. That is the whole point of life if you really are paying attention. You fight so hard for so many little things to experience joy. All of the decisions you have made in your life have led you to this place, but every decision made was for the purpose of experiencing the freedom of joy. So what would happen if I just ignored everything and only decided to be happy regardless of the situation?

This is my next major experiment. I'm going to not make any major expectations. I'm going to explore life by experiencing joy regardless of surroundings or circumstances. I want to see just how far this whole "manifestation" thing can go. I want to see what happens when you are happy regardless of anything and see what is produced for my life then. Ok, so in March, I will tell you what happened.

The cynical circus

We live in a world where anything is possible and yet the majority of the world stays within a constant system of cynicism. It isn't enough to do anything that makes you feel good to some people. It isn't enough to simply do what makes your heart happy to them either. Everything is put under a microscope and everything is criticized heavily. I don't get this logic of perfectionism. What is so hard about allowing yourself to finally be happy? Does life have to provide you with certain conditions to achieve the emotion of happiness? Well, not in my book.

I see the media pushing out images of perfection as to that being what some sort of invisible standard to achieve for the world. This is wrong. This is so very wrong. It sends a message of self hatred to children that disturbs me deeply. I don't want to look at some invisible standard that has a bar far too high for me to ever reach. That was exactly what my mother was like during my childhood and it took me years of self therapy to overcome the damage. She never was satisfied with a test score unless it was perfect.  Never satisfied with what I was doing in any sport unless I was on top. That isn't good parenting, that is a concentration camp.

Being cynical about everything is poisonous. It deludes us to our truest nature of joy. I must admit to myself that it is a battle against constant exposure to media that being cynical is a constant threat. Now that social media is an ever present thing, it gets worse by the day. Twitter and Facebook, and even Instagram seem to get a huge lashing of cynicism from people on the quest for "likes". I don't really understand what is so important for other people to like you? Probably stemming from a lack of self love that creates a vacuum or void where the self love is supposed to be.

Personally, the world can always use more love. We have enough success to last us into the next century. What about the lovers, the poets, the artists? What about the healers, the song writers, or the dancers? Let us focus more on joy and abundance together. It is only when you can appreciate yourself that you will find joy. It is only when you can appreciate others that you will find new doors open to you. Being cynical only leads to more cynicism. Negative never creates positive and vice versa.

For one day, try not complaining about anything and enjoy the fact that you are alive. Try that and watch life itself change. It really isn't that hard.

Vibrational reality

I think I am beginning to understand now how this "vibrational reality" is supposed to work. So in essence, the world that you notice is a direct reflection of your own personal belief system. If you believe in self hatred, then your world will be filled with reasons not to like yourself. If you believe in self glory, then your world will be filled with reasons as to what makes you great. Whether or not we want to acknowledge it, our parents play a large role in our vibrational reality. Or at the very least, the beginning of our reality.

The very core concept of whatever they teach us, starts off what we believe in. As a result, the world will reflect what we think from an early age. But we are always checking in with what they think in order to see what is approved. That in itself is teaching us that love and joy are conditional. It is in this need for their acceptance, that we are taught to lose what we feel for what they do. How the parent thinks and reacts is what we then go off of for a long long time.

A child's past is what ends up determining that person's future. It is either an inspiration for what better things the child can go get, or a hole that the child will always need to fill. The need to succeed is often a mask for a void of love never given without condition. The need to be accepted by others is often the same overlooked conditional love the parent didn't give. If our parents tortured us, we end up torturing ourselves, unless we recognize this flaw and overcome it, we will be haunted.

It all makes sense to me now. Even down to what my sisters have gone through, it is all relative to overcoming the past. Pain is the teacher that either binds you, or makes you better to overcome anything else.

Wavelength

Life so far.

I have went a long time surviving in my own existence. I am thankful that I have made it this far. Life truly isn't fair, but that is not for me to decide how fair it should be. Rather, I am now asking where this is taking me. From St. Croix, to Florida, to Atlanta, to South Korea, to New York, I have seen quite a bit of the world. I was terrified so many times in my life of losing everything or being lost.

I'm no longer afraid anymore. Things are changing world wide, and I'd be a fool not to realize this would also affect me. The circumstances are what they are. I have ran my course for almost a year now without full time work. But I am grateful that I have been allowed to be a full time artist. I am grateful that I have been able to touch so many lives with my experience. I am quite grateful that so many people have helped support me this far and long.

I have achieved so much in this life time all I can do is look at it all and smile. I may not have a million dollars in my pocket, but I have helped bring a lot of happiness. I have been allowed to live a good life regardless of its harsh beginnings. I am floating downstream and enjoying all new miracles coming my way. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. I know for a fact that it really is going to be alright.

Thank you so much for everything world. I know that life will guide me soon.

Being viewed as a villain.

The world teaches you as a child that being honest is something genuine. You are prodded to tell the truth at all times for your elders and your peers. Lying is supposed to be something that you get in trouble for, because the truth will be found out one way or another. But as you get older, you begin to realize that the elders kept a large amount of secrets. You find out that those same people who raised you kept telling you lies in order to keep you in a bubble of ignorance for your own protection. 

What I don't quite understand, is why is it that being honest as an adult gets you viewed as the worst villain of all? I've seen so many instances of the "oh no you didn't" look for simply pointing out something that was blatantly obvious in subtle ways. Its not like I was on the rooftop screaming to people about what they are doing wrong. I would point out certain details of what they were "currently doing" to illustrate how they are being dishonest, or not at their best behavior. 

What did this land me? I'll be frank, it landed me into a lot of closed circles and closed doors. It began a spiral of negativity that made me not so likely to succeed with many of the past groups that I associated with. It showed me that most people are not what they appear to be. To always look deeper and pay close attention to what a person really is. This landed me in a role that in most cases was looked upon as being "the villain, or the bad guy." 

A person will allow someone to totally screw them over by stealing their money, but a person that points that out is the one that is despised worse. Yeah, it is totally alright to back stab someone to get ahead, but to reveal the details of which is looked upon even more unfavorable. Yet the same people who were screwed, will whisper of the atrocities, but never speak them in the open. So why is it acceptable to be dishonest? Why is it so awesome to be an undercover villain? But to be honest, is an even larger threat. Why? 

My theory on this, is that most people cannot confront the actual reality of who they are. Most people lose themselves after childhood and put on a "facade". They do this out of ego to create a false sense of accomplishment. They do this to give themselves what they consider leverage. But then when those same people wake up in their 60's and 70's, they realize they haven't been living their own lives. They reach deep trenches of depression, realizing they haven't been honest with themselves the entire time. But by the time they are trying to make amends, they are either at death's door, or close to it. 

So my question then turns into: Who's the villain now?

Patience

I need a vacation.

This is a post about loyalty.

Ah yes, loyalty. So many people of the world will proclaim that they want it, but so few actually demonstrate it themselves. Some people are dedicated only to their own lives, while others may only be dedicated to obligation or even religion. Loyalty has many different underlying features that make it very quickly something that is desired deeply.  It is no wonder that the demonstration of unquestioning loyalty is what a leader ultimately covets.

I myself have learned that loyalty is in essence an illusion. This isn't to say that I haven't seen it in action in some way, shape, or form. But the reason why I call loyalty and illusion is because I have seen people who have been "loyal" for many years turn on the very people they were loyal to. I have watched best friends become bitter enemies over a change in tide with loyalty. The most common change in loyalty usually comes in two forms, money or love.

For the average seeker of spiritual truth, they will learn that loyalty is not something we "search" for on the outside of our own consciousness. To look for someone to be loyal to you will only result in questioning your very own loyalty towards other people. Rather, I have learned in my travels and journey, that one should remain loyal to how they wish to actually feel. Being loyal to another person is something that takes a bit of dedication that most human beings are not willing to commit to.

In other words, it is the path of least resistance to remain loyal to yourself and your own feelings. I believe this is the reason why many are taken aback by how I act or respond to most interactions. I used to allow myself to be angry with so many minor actions. Now I am loyal to how good I wish to feel in my life. I am loyal to my own vibration and what I want to attract to myself. I am loyal to the practice of believing without evidence.

In my own opinion, before there is any loyalty, there must be established trust. This is where people get very tripped up in their relations with others. The concept of trust and loyalty is very appealing. Most especially when it involves someone that you care about. But to see the same person not demonstrate an equal amount of loyalty or trust can be very disheartening. Probably because it is the expectation that if you "do unto others like yourself", people will give you what you give. But then you end up realizing that not everyone was raised to have a moral center.

This is why I say, that loyalty is an illusion. To me, it is an illusion that is cast so as long as you are providing something the other person wants or needs. Once that want or need can be fulfilled without you, do not be surprised when the true nature of the person comes to the surface. If they treat you differently, because you are no longer acting within their best interest, then it is the person who trusts that is put in danger. Marriages are supposed to be tests of faith, trust, and loyalty. Funny that we enter an age where those same morals are easily broken over the next piece of ass.

Loyalty, life's illusion of dedicated people, who only end up being dedicated to their own selfish desires.

Supreme Destiny

In the words of Oprah Winfrey; "there is a supreme destiny or calling in your life. It is your job to find it, whatever that is."

This quote and this phrase made me do some serious soul searching. I look back at the events of the past quite often and I see that I have been "led" by a desire for freedom and love. As far as anything professionally, I kind of was simply existing. Along the path of my own life, I knew that being an artist was part of who I am. I have went to so many different avenues of searching for what type of artwork and artistic creation was my own niche.

I love doing character art and even at times some background design. In the past, I was obsessed with comic book artwork and even with trying to work with Marvel Comics. That dream took a major detour when I had to enter the Army. But during basic training, I was encouraged to draw and paint on all of the doors. I had stopped drawing shortly thereafter and was in limbo for a few years.

After the military, I was drifting in choices on school and that is when I was encouraged by a long time old friend of mine to "continue drawing." He went out of his way to make a website and promote me with current and new drawing listings. This then pushed me in the direction of the Art Institute of Atlanta. I wanted to draw and enhance myself on a higher career with my illustration skills. At the time, there was no major in Illustration. Animation had a lot of the courses I wanted to take, but there were financial obstacles that prevented me from joining the animation major.

After I left the college without a degree or even hope, I drifted into a state of depression. I felt like I failed myself, my family, and everyone that believed in me. I finally received work at a hardware company and "survived" for 9 years. During that time, I gained a massive amount of weight, attained an addictive nature to video games, and gave up on ever thinking about love. "Is this it? Is all that my life has to offer?" These were the questions I was thinking to myself. Slowly but surely, one friend, two friends, and then even a whole tribe of people were encouraging me to get back into drawing.

I've since bought many art supplies, posted many pictures on the web, and even been paid by commissions to produce work for clients. I have since left that hardware store, but the money wasn't flowing to me like it used to. Now, I'm at another crossroads and have no idea of what to do. I do know, somewhere, somehow, it will all work out for me. But there is this lingering feeling of where is the big thing that I'm supposed to do? There are people who even now, are believing in me to do some great thing. I truly wish, I knew what that was.

If you are reading this, then maybe you have an answer. Someone somewhere please give me the damn answer.

Something I wonder

I often wondered, why it would seem that I was always rejected from groups of people. I know for a fact that my age had little to do with that. I examine myself and my persona, and I see a person who is seeking truth above spreading lies. I see a man that is an explorer with a large heart that loves to help others. I see myself having a simple set of morals of treat others how I want to be treated.

But at the same time, I also see how I speak about what I see in others and ponder that because I speak about what I see, that is the reason why I get rejected. I do not go out of my way to shame people. I see it as a way for them to let go and confront themselves as to what is holding themselves back.  But as you know, and as I know, many people do not like the reality of who they actually are.

It is because I see who people actually are underneath the small talk that I often run into this sort of issue. People who are not comfortable with who they actually are, tend to run in terror from me. I don't actually consciously "do" anything to them. It is spiritually, where they feel affected and judged in a sort of way. I don't try to devalue people for what they have done, seeing as I myself have sinned on a constant basis. But I own everything about myself, from the good things to even the bad mistakes that I have made.

I guess most people are just not prepared to do that sort of thing. Most people are unprepared with dealing with the weight of what they do and how it affects others. I have watched it affect people to such a point, that they will hold a feeling of "distrust" or "disdain" for me even in a dire situation where it is not beneficial. Being "right" is not always being beneficial to what may be needed. It only proves that some people only desire what they desire, no matter how right or wrong it may be altogether.

11/01/2015

November is already looking up for me. Everything is coming to me at the right time and I so enjoy it. I truly am liking being vegan now and the healthy benefits it has brought into my lifetime. So far, I have not fallen ill under any circumstances. This is a huge plus for me, since I used to get sick, quite often.

Being a vegan has also upped my testosterone quite a bit. I'm truly not exaggerating about this at all. I feel so much more energy to do the things I love to do ever since I have changed this diet for myself. It is truly uplifting to notice from all angles to be honest. I also enjoy that my grocery bill has went down significantly.

Funny, something that I swore up and down I'd never do ended up being a great lifestyle for me in the end. I see myself being on this path for the rest of my days. "But Q, don't you miss meat?" Honestly? After all of those sick days, and meat preparation? Nah, I'm good. I feel so much more alive now than I have in a very long time.

There are going to be times when you may slip and eat something you really shouldn't. That is alright though. Things are going to happen and people often slip. Just get back up, dust yourself off, and keep it moving in the direction you want to go. When I look back at my life, I realize the hardest part of life is simply deciding WHAT I actually wanted. Once I had established with clarity what I actually wanted, I always received it.

I know what I want, and I know I will get it so much faster now. That's the beauty of the Law of Attraction, you really do manifest it once you believe it. It feels so nice.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Loving me again.

It isn't until I learned to love who I was, that I actually found peace. Strip away all of the ego and the drama and the fake people, and there I was laying underneath other people's needs. Afraid, lost, and even a bit ashamed, I have come to accept who I actually am. This is a new movement that I am enjoying. I enjoy the self. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy my own time. I enjoy everything I have to offer in this state of mind right this minute.

There is so much to be grateful for in this lifetime. I'm really thankful to all my readers who have supported me. I am really thankful for all the love I have received and all the people who help make my journey possible. Thank you all indeed.

10/25/15

It looks like things are on the up and up after all. I may even end up actually moving out to Los Angeles pretty soon. I'm not going to lie, I'm very stoked about it. I wanted to see L.A. for a long time. I know I always end up getting what I want in the scope of things, so now, I'm happy this agency may be providing a way. This is good news for me since I have been wanting to leave Atlanta for a while now.

I've done a lot here. I've moved here as a teenager, graduated school, and even went to college here. The rest feels like it has been a hazy dream. A downward spiral of family, past friends, and even darker relationships that led me to a spiritual awakening. I am truly honored and blessed that things went upward from where I came from. I spent a long time working in a retail store and from there I learned a great many things.

The first major thing that hit me, was this overwhelming sadness. I was content for what I had, but I always had this feeling like I could do so much more with my life. Slowly but surely, I sought out inspiration for what to do with my life. I had once again ignored drawing, and it came back to haunt me ferociously. Every time I tried to ignore being an artist, my mind would feel "lost". Thanks to a few good friends, I was able to free myself of that environment and allow myself to explore what I am supposed to actually be.

I've since left retail as of one year ago today. I managed a room for rent in a house in Midtown for a while too. I do miss that place though. As of now, I'm in Buckhead with some friends. I know I'll have my own place again soon and I am so ready for it to happen. I know that I will have everything I desire, and now I am letting it all happen.

10/14/2015

None of the world's troubles have meaning, until you give it the power to. None of the people in the world will have meaning, until you give them power to. Your focus is the pivotal point of where power belongs. That is the essence to the secret of life itself. If you feel you have no power, then know that you are "giving" it to someone else that you focus on. If you focus on you, then your power belongs to you.

I watch the world as so many people will be given "clues" as to how to get out of their situations, and yet they will strive ever the more to fight against time. They will wrestle with obstacles the world over before confronting the one thing that can actually block their own happiness, their ego.

10/12/2015

It is in the way people act that they reveal themselves to be what they truly are. But it is in your own power to decide whether or not those actions have any power over you. I have discovered in my journey that people will say all sorts of things, but it is the actions they perform that shows you exactly what is most important on their mind.

Instead of focusing upon the negative things people tend to do, I have learned to take what good memories they have given and focus instead on new positive things you want for yourself. I guess all of this comes from time and time again, being disappointed in other people for what they chose to do. That and not being involved in their lives or being given a "feeling" of love or appreciation.

What this truly was in looking back at it, was me not giving myself the love and appreciation that I desired. I didn't take myself seriously or bothered to care about what I actually wanted. I've never allowed myself to be generous with my own self. I never allowed myself to be generous with my own time to me. And this is the quintessential lesson that I am learning to uphold. What do I actually want? What do I have to appreciate about myself now? What is stopping me from being happy right now?

It is questions like these that lead to my own road. These questions that lead to my own enlightenment. I often allow myself to daydream of better things and a better life for myself. I tend to enjoy it a bit much. It was part of how I escaped the mental cruelty of a past born of huge parenting errors and a most volatile situation. I do find however, that this same practice is the whole L.O.A. in practice and execution.

It allowed me to feel a sense of happiness and escape despite my own surroundings. It allowed me to feel good in my own world of my own choosing. It reminded me that the imagination is far more powerful if given fuel than anything going on in the material world in the present. The presence of what is, does not truly rule "what can be." A person's past does not dictate that same person's future. I will use this to my own advantage once again and be grateful for what is.

I will delve into that world of the imaginary worlds that were far more fun to explore. I will use every bit of this moment to enjoy what I want in my life. It isn't money that necessarily rule your happiness. It is happiness that ultimately rules the life of the person with money being an afterthought.

the masks people wear.

I often wonder why  it is that people will go out of their way to hide who they truly are. Upon further and closer inspection, anyone can spot a fake a mile away. I've seen people go so far as to recreate their entire image into something completely false just to make themselves feel some sort of value towards an ego that is obviously dominant. The real personality will always emerge no matter how hard you attempt to hide it. Why bother hiding?


It is the same with so many people who will hate on the LGBT community and then in turn are caught in risky behavior. Senators that vote on bills against who they truly are, always end up caught. What's worse, is that these same senators and politicians build themselves on a river of lies and always get found out in the end anyways. So my question I have with the world at large is, why bother lying? You don't have to lie about who you really are. You don't have to go out of your way to impress anyone because you don't love who you really are.


This lack of self appreciation is dangerous to behold. I don't know the exact origin of the mask people wear, but the need for validation from an outside source is quite appalling. It would seem there is a need for some people to just feel appreciated by others for some sort of sense of worth. The funny thing is, if you don't value yourself, then other people will follow suit and not value you either. The lies I've seen people say just to cover up their authentic selves.

There is the real meat and potatoes as to what I'm saying. A person who is truly in touch with their true authentic self is a dangerous thing to behold in a world of falseness. I look at myself as imperfect and yet loving at the same time. I look to myself for my own value and appreciation. Why? Because, I have learned to love my mistakes. I have learned to open up and accept that I have flaws. I have learned that the very things I was shunning were parts of me that in all reality, should be embraced.


If I can love my imperfect ways enough, there would always be something to appreciate. If you can appreciate things a bit more, then everything else will fall into place anyays.

Just food for thought.