Gratitude

I am so honored to still be alive in this world. I have seen quite a bit indeed. I'm now taking out the time to have gratitude and be thankful for this life I have been given. I am thankful for the very air I get to breathe in. I am so happy now that I can have anything I want. I never realized just how easy it all really is. The very focal point of life, is whatever you choose to focus on.

It is with this point, I am even more grateful. It has taught me that complaining about anything is utterly useless and only empowers more of what isn't wanted. I am grateful that I am now able to create any scenario that I desire from any conjuration needed. I am happy that I do not have to settle for anything that I do not want.

I am truly happy, that I am finally taking notice of just how awesome I am and how each day gets better and better. This life is truly a gift for a reason, and I now want to share my love with someone who is just as awesome. It is the right moment for all of it, and I am finally ready.

It is time.

The anti clique The anti Group think

I was raised to be an independent adult by a very independent woman. I actually thank her for that but it has carried over vibrationally into a sense that no one can do for me but me. I have friends and even family, but it seems that I am commonly treated like I can solve my own problems on my own all the time. I wonder to myself why that always had to be?

So does what you teach your children set the stage for the vibration for the rest of their lives? Does the momentum of certain values carve their way into everyday culture until you choose to change them? I guess my trust issues run very deep due to emotional trauma as a child and that led to a series of events that led me to my current point of attraction.  But my question is, can everything eventually change? Can I not tune into a much different frequency to produce different results?

I am beginning to think that I can. I want to see how far this vortex of creation stuff can go into my life, so I am conducting my own experiment on positive influence and vibration. I want to see how far this goes into every aspect of my life and my surroundings.

Gaining ground

I find myself as of late being left completely alone for extended amounts of time. I truly don't know how to take this at this point in my life. At some ends, it feels great to have so much free time, but then at other ends, it feels like I have just been abandoned. No one is bothering with trying to really communicate with me about what is going on in my life. It's like life itself is working against me being able to do anything but work and go to the gym. It gets depressing because there is so much going on out there that I want to do, but my stupid schedule keeps getting in the way.

Either way, I am grateful for this newfound solace and I'm glad that I have an income. I just don't want to work this schedule any longer. The balance of harmony is what I am truly aiming for in my life. I want to have the freedom to have my creative pursuits enjoyed and explored but I need the income to pay for my needs and desires. Where is the line?

The question I am having now I guess, is what makes me so horrible that people abandon me so often? If I am the common denominator of what is happening, then I must examine what I am thinking and doing altogether. A wedding happened out of state that was planned for months in advance, but I was left completely out of the loop for all of it. At first, I was simply happy for them and everyone who attended. But now, I have some "after effect" emotions about it.

Like, because I was working forced overtime at my "job", I am left out and never called for any part of the event at all. Mind you, this isn't the only wedding I was exclusively not invited to. The first wedding involved a former bestie whom I lived with for some years. His "wife" exclusively didn't invite me because of my "lifestyle". Yeah, you know, the one I was born with that can't be helped as in sexual orientation.

Here's my solution, I'm wiping the slate completely clean and starting over. Of all people I owe anything, I completely forgot to love and appreciate who I actually am. And it is way overdue, for a makeover in my own life. So let me raise this wine glass and congratulate myself on new beginnings and better feelings.

Spells of the past

We often go through an algorithm in our minds of decision making based upon the events we have experienced in our past. A person born into wealth typically follows an algorithm of thought that allows them to continue what their parents already have. A person born into poverty would also typically follow an algorithm that would lead them to a life of struggle.

All people however, do end up forming thought patterns which lead to different patterns of vibration, which leads to different levels of manifestation. I have met people who do not have much in their lives (according to them saying it.), who excel at the most creative things. I have also encountered people of wealth and privilege who have absolutely no true form of creativity at all.

What I have deduced from all of it over all, is that the past has little bearing upon the current thought of the person if that person changes their own pattern on their own. It begins with a desire that then turns the wheels in the mind. The single most destructive thing we often end up doing that messes us up is asking the question "how".

When you look back upon your own existence, you realize that "how" never truly needed explaining in the first place. If the desire was strong enough, and the belief was just as strong in it's occurrence, then the manifestation must appear.

This explains why people of poverty can become billionaires overnight or how billionaires can then lose everything in a night. All of it, related to a pattern of thought, vibration, and belief.

Path of least resistance

I had to learn recently that it is when we surrender struggling, that our best options open up. I've been beating a drum of constant struggle and worry, because that is what I have been trained to believe for such a very long time. So I decided to "give up" so to speak. I stopped trying so hard to become anything. I stopped trying to reach for these monumental goals when I realized I had to ask myself a simple question.

The question I asked myself was "does any of this actually matter if I die?" Right there, so much clarity came open to me in the blink of an eye. All of those "things" I wanted to own do not truly matter if I am not here. All of those places I wanted to see, would still be there regardless of my lifetime. And all I truly really want in this life of mine, is simply to feel good. Desire isn't a bad thing at all, let me clear that up.

Desire is actually normal to have, but in a consumer based society filled with marketing and social media, we get caught up in unwanted details. You don't want to live in your home town because it bores you. You go to college, or join the military and leave your hometown. You experience new things, places, and people, but you are still the you that came from your hometown. You are trying so hard to use the outside as an excuse to control what you want to feel on the inside. That is really what it all comes down to.

Most people are trained to think of their lives as some sort of set of goals. The journey itself is the actual experience we are having. What we experience each day being driven on this force known as vibration and what we are attracting to ourselves. What I am saying in this blur of philosophical drivel, is that you are the magic of your life. You are the center of your experiences. You are the common factor of everything you have been through. What you are focusing on is completely and utterly determined by you.

Don't like how your life is going? Stop repeating the same pattern of thought. It is up to you to change, before your life  itself does. Stop waiting for the hero to come save you, be the hero of your story.

Q

Self feedback 9/3/2016

Q,
You have endured quite a bit in your lifetime. Trust me, the world is reminded of it every time you speak. We get it now, you are damaged goods trying to make some sort of good out of all of this. The time has come for you to simply sit still and listen. Stop trying to be right all the time, you see where that has gotten you? Exactly. Now I recommend you stop worrying about other people's thoughts so much and start nurturing your own. The truth is, you were programmed with so much negativity during your budding youth, that it became habit to down yourself.

You really need to take a chill pill and realize that you are just fine the way you are. The motivation for you to change in anything should not be for the sake of other people. You've never loved yourself enough to truly flourish in all of this time. You are very skilled and talented and you yourself, NEVER gave yourself enough value. You know you really do not need to look to others to validate any part of you right? So why do you worry so much about how you affect others? Sit down, relax and do what you enjoy on your own time. You are already successful, stop trying to have other people validate that.

Love,
Yourself

Dragon con 2016

This is such a sweet weekend. I am off work (Syria lol), I have my ticket to everything this weekend, and I have my costume almost done in record time. I'll be able to see so many friends again and this is a wonderful plus. I decided to recreate my valkyrie armor from EVA foam again and it is going pretty well. I think I'll add in some cardboard weaponry just for kicks. I'm having so much fun this weekend, all I can do is be thankful for it all.

The love game

Love is a wonderful thing. Underneath all of the labels and all of the glamour, there really is only the way it makes you feel. It is something that makes you forget the world was ever bad. A force that draws you closer and pulls you in to enjoy what truly is. Your entire reason for living all wrapped up on one feeling of bliss, happiness, and euphoria, that is the truth in nature of love.

It has nothing to do with pain or with strife as so many others are trying to sing about. That is the absence of love. That is what they want you to believe over all that love is some horrible happen chance or some abusive lie. But those who really understand it, will tell you that there is no other addiction like it. Something deeper than any addiction, that brings you to the fullness of who you really are. That is why love heals so well. Nothing else truly holds any point to be honest.

It isn't in our truest nature to hate or be violent. Underneath it all, every person or being is programmed to love. Everything else leads you to nowhere. It begins by loving you and letting that flow of energy in. You start to treat yourself so much better and pay yourself some fun compliments. You let yourself play like your childhood and begin to feel better about everything in general. You remember that life isn't all about those serious things people discuss far too much. You stop judging and you actually start feeling.

It then flows into your everyday feeling. As you feel better about who you are, you stop worrying about what others think. You remember how new the world feels and that it is something to be cherished. Every moment is a heartbeat away from being gone, but when you learn to actually cherish love, every one of those moments actually starts to count. Live your life with love at the forefront, and nothing else will harm you.

Pirates of Euphoria

Q

The next adventure

I have contemplated for quite some time moving west to California. It seems like this journey of mine is taking me to very interesting places. Maybe I will encounter people like myself to some degree there. Maybe I will be able to actually make great connections there. I have thought about this a great deal for the past few months. The reasoning behind is the fact that Atlanta has become a dull place for myself.

People in Atlanta (the ones I have met anyways), are for the most part two dimensional. There are promises made, but no true action taken. This is a sea of followers that await being led or manipulated. I'm not saying the whole populace is like this, I'm only recounting the people I have met thus far. Ah yes, the people of Atlanta. So many shining stars with talent that await for some executive to come and scoop them up like the days of old in Hollywood. Talking to any of the artists down here and you'll see an abundance of talent but a lacking in actual work ethic.

You will see many people who do not lead themselves and end up in the aftermath of a whole host of bad decisions. I have done many of my spiritual duties down here, and now it seems that my obligations here have reached their end. I ask myself everyday what exactly am I doing here now? I look at the mirror and ponder over this question a lot more often than I used to. I understand that in truth it isn't really the location that affects your destiny, but I can't help but see a constant outcome with Atlanta.

In Atlanta, people will make many promises to you and end up not delivering on any of those promises. They will tell you things that they want you to believe about them, but upon further inspection, you find they are entirely something else altogether. Everything here is whimsical and done halfway. There is an expectation almost, for someone else to fill the gap, or to make light of the lack of actual good planning on their part. Everyone does things here last minute and no one wants to accept true responsibility.

If a person makes an event, you can expect a good two parts of what is planned to not happen at all. The flyer will be glossed up with models who have nothing to do with the event at all, because the designer stole the images from the internet. They will speak of drink specials and a celebrity guest that may not even show up at all. And all of this, for you to spend money on overpriced valet parking and overpriced, watered down drinks. The only thing that the natives take seriously in the city of Atlanta, is their image. Down here, image is everything, but a lack of substance is rampant.

That "celebrity famous fitness trainer" is nothing more but an ex convict that cannot work a traditional job due to his criminal record. That gorgeous model that handed you a business card detailing her "illustrous contacts", is nothing more than a shampoo girl at a salon who works there only to get her hair done. The stories go on and on, but I digress. It is time to leave Atlanta Georgia. It is funny that the Masquerade club is finally getting torn down. Because that is exactly what this city is for the most part, one giant Masquerade ball.

Q

Love the taboo subject

I have lived quite some time on this planet. I have experienced quite a few things on the spiritual side. I've also seen quite a bit physically in my experiences. There is that one nagging subject that is the taboo in my life that so many others don't seem to get. The question of love always surfaces in one form or another. Society programs us to feel like we are not complete unless we are in a loving relationship of some sort. Ever since my adolescence, I was practically brain-washed into courting someone to love and marry for the sake of the sake of marriage. I never quite understood why is it that people feel the compulsion for another person in their lives to actually complete them.

No one can complete you except you. Other people can accompany you, but they don't complete what they inherently are not a part of. At the very least, this is my own opinion on the matter. I myself have only really been in three working relationships my whole life, so I guess I am most certainly not an expert on the subject of love. It isn't that I don't desire to have it, I guess it is one of those things I never fully understood. Like you are judged (quite strictly I might add), by society by the relationship you have. It is some form of measure to your overall success it seems to be married by X age. If you do not get married, then society judges you as a failure of some sort.

Like, if you can't get a companion of a sort, you are condemned by society for having some sort of imperfection. Maybe you are too fat, or you have high standards that can't be met, is usually something we deal with when we are single. Then you have holidays that rub it continuously in your face that you should "be with" someone on because for some reason it is taboo to be alone on oh, another day. I guess for me, life has taught me otherwise with harsh lessons and difficult circumstances.

I've had to learn how to be alone from an early age, because I never felt loved by my family. I never felt like I had a group of friends that really cared for me beyond what small comforts we could provide each other. I've always been alone for multiple reasons honestly. In my eyes, I guess society has taught me to rely on no one. and it had saddened me for a very long time. Then after the tears had fallen, it became what I was used to and then it became what I expected. At this point, I'm not saying it is impossible for me to settle down with someone, it just seems improbable by society's high standards.

Who knows though, maybe I'll end up with a boyfriend. Maybe someone will propose to me sooner than I think. All I know, is that I love me for who I am and I am my own best friend. Everyone else, isn't necessarily a guarantee in this journey that we call life.

Dragon Con

I approach the festival known as Dragon Con with so much eagerness. I totally enjoy making a costume and getting juiced up with my fellow nerds. Though on the spiritual tip, there is something strange about it all. You can feel the great amount of energy in the air. There are other supernaturals at the event.

Due to a high demand for a second version, I"ll be creating my valkyrie armor again this year. It feels really good to be able to do this without any form of restraint. I am truly blessed to have so many cosplay friends that help me out every time. In a sense, Dragon con gives me a sense of home. It feels like a home-coming event where we all can let our hair down and be who we actually are. There is no need to be hidden or hide yourself among the crowds. Everyone is similar to you in some way.

I hope to get things done well this year, I do know that I'll have more than enough money to make things work. So grateful it will be a bang.

Q

Lost in chaos

2016 has been a very chaotic year. Widespread panic and manipulation have turned this time period into a moment of uncertainty. I have found that it is easier to simply focus on everything else but the outside world. focusing on the inner world adjusting it as peace descends upon me. I am not listening to the world any longer. I am learning to listen to myself. Fear is slowly subsiding as I realize how much I have already lived through. There are those three words again that help motivate me past all of the chaos and splendor; "life, moves, on."

Life moves on. It is both honest and cruel at the same time. But it is also quite comforting the more you actually think about it. Nothing can really harm you for long. No one has any actual power over you. No one can force you to do what you do not want to do. The odds are meaningless when you realize just how much power you actually have over how you want to feel.

Q

Working the grind

So far this year has taught me that change will shake things up in your life from time to time. I went from starving for employment to working in a place that has too much work. Haha, the irony right?
Well it isn't a bad job really, but there is just a combination of bad elements that makes where I currently am unsuitable for me to stay there. It's funny too, because in my first three months there, the higher end of management is asking question as to "why people quit in the first 6 months?"

I didn't say a word, but in my mind I was saying, "maybe because you are trying too hard to be efficient as a company and you are putting far too much stress on your employees." This is the reason so many people end up working for themselves. Companies are so far attached from reality that they set unrealistic goals and end up hurting the employees the most. What's even more sad, is the fact that it always ends up costing the "companies" more in the long run.  People with corporate mindsets are not empathic people at all.

I personally do not see why I am still there, but I am glad to know I am moving on from there soon. I'm already looking elsewhere. As an artist, I want to work full time creating and drawing and expressing. Normal "conventional" jobs simply do not give me enough freedom to do what I want and stressful efficiency jobs are basically the worst. I've made up my mind, I'm moving forward. It isn't just because of the job itself. I am moving forward because I deserve to treat myself better than how I have been for the last two decades.

It isn't their story I need to continue, but my very own.

Searching through hard times.

The more you go through certain things, you begin to discover what you actually desire. It is through contrast you discover more of yourself. I once thought I wanted to be an acrobat. Ha, that died a quick death. Then I wanted to be a professional martial artist, which went well for a moment but then soon diminished years later. Drawing was the one that stuck for a good minute. I just don't know anymore as far as professionally making good money from it. People will "like" my stuff on various social media, but are hesitant to "buy" anything I can produce.

And I can't get angry with them about it. It is simply making me question, "what am I putting out there?" It also makes me think that something I am doing simply isn't "good enough" at times. I don't know anymore honestly. But I do know that the process makes me feel amazing. The path of creation is a fun path indeed. To conjure whole worlds of adventure and excitement are a great thing indeed. I get to write about such wonderful beings and then illustrate them and ponder over my creations.

I've recently hit a "weird spot" in life actually. I'm once again working somewhere that isn't giving me the satisfaction for my creative side. And that's just the deadly balance to the life of an artist or any creative. We want to create, but we need to get paid. The dream is to get paid doing something creative, but corporate America makes it a bit difficult. I don't know, maybe it is just the perspective I have been so used to. Maybe I can conjure up the best creation that will make me millions of dollars. Who knows exactly? But I do know, that I love myself too much to settle for anything less.

Q

During the chaos shift

I remember going through some very hard times growing up during the late 80's and early 90's. I was being raised by my sisters in the absence of my mother during those days. It was pretty rough being on welfare and sometimes not having the lights on or even food to eat unless I was at school. The other students never fully accepted me at all except a rare few. I remember that those years were so hard, that I labeled the 20th century "The Dark World".

But I also remember that during those very rough and unstable times, I had dreams to get away from the harshness of reality. I used to immerse myself into comic books and video games to bypass the time. When we had no power, I would pick up any pencil I could find, and steal paper from the copier room at school. I would draw to practice drawing and immerse myself into my very own comic book universe. It helped keep me sane to know that I was doing something positive during those dark and depressing times.

I would read this book "Learn to Draw the Marvel Way", every week I could get my hands on it from the school library. I begged my sisters to buy me a Muscle and Fitness magazine. I remember the first issue had Gary Styrdom on the cover. I would draw until I had no paper left. Keeping focused on my new found obsession with comic art.

So I bring back up this old memory to remind myself that I have faced darker times. I realize that I was allowing myself to feel better regardless of the world around me and ultimately, it brought me peace. So now that my world is once again shaken with some uncertainty, I am going to go at it again to create my peace regardless of the world around me. It is ultimately a choice in how I want to feel. No one can take away from you how you choose to feel.

I'm so glad to have lived such an adventurous life both good and bad with contrasts. It has given me everything I need to overcome anything that has stood in my way. God is real, and his grace is overwhelmingly great.

Q

The journey now

It's months later and I feel like I am in a weird but peaceful place. The world continues on whether you are ready to or not. Life itself has been pretty chaotic this year, but at least it has bore some fruit to say the least. I have learned a lot since my friend's passing into another dimension.

One, life itself doesn't really "end", you transition into another face of reality that is never truly discussed. How do I know this? Let's just say, I've had conversations with that bestie numerous times but in a much different way.
Two, nothing in this reality is concrete or "real" so to speak. If you can shift your focus for as little as even 15 seconds, you can completely change what actually is going on around you in your world. I've learned quite a bit about that recently. Where beforehand, I was experimenting with that in spurts.

Three, the only thing that is sacred, is what you choose to make sacred. But what truly is sacred isn't physical unless you choose for it to  be.

Four, reasoning with others is useless unless you can focus on it already happening. Trust me on this. No one will "get you", until you do. And now, I'm going to go drift through the night and hopefully wake up from this "complicated rift" between worlds.


Q

The year of the trainwreck 2016

This has been a scary and random year. So far, I have landed employment and it is alright. ((No complaints after a year off)) One of my best friends died in an accident at the beginning of this month. I've had to endure the tears of his loss. I've had to tell his wife so many things she never knew about him. I had to let myself just feel for once in my life again. This man came into my life and made a huge change to it. He helped me when a lot of other people would ignore me and look the other way.

What really pains me, is that so many people that knew how close we were as friends, didn't even bother to show up to his funeral. But his funeral was a beautiful event nonetheless and I'm glad that he was shown a lot of love there. Our lives were so shockingly similar in so many ways it is scary. But now, I'm the only one who is still here.

A part of me feels so lonely now that he's gone. He guided me through my first spiritual awakening. He helped me learn how to drive a stick, he helped me purchase my first car, he helped me learn even better self defense. This man was a brother to me in all sense of the word. He showed me God is real in so many ways. Now he's gone from my life until the next time we meet elsewhere.

I would be lying if I said that I am over it. You never really simply "get over" someone close dying to you. But I realize now, I have to be my own strength from here on out. I love you Lamar Jones Jr. Till we meet again.

Q

Goblin practice study.

When you hit the wall.

So in light of recent events, I have to take a hard close look at myself. I have been unemployed for the most part of a year. I have tried desperately to get work, any work in all of that time, despite setbacks and constantly getting played by damn well every employer I have tried to get employed to. Here's my question: Why is it so damn hard to simply get a job for me?

I have all my i's dotted and all of my t's crossed. My resume is practically flawless. I put in a two week notice from the last major big box retailer I was working at with wonderful blessings and graces after working there for 9 years. Now I'm questioning my life and everything in it.

My roommates are wonderful and many of my friends have helped me dearly. But now I once again face that in your face heavy to the surface fear. What are you going to do Q? I see others get jobs within weeks of being here and for some unknown reason, I'm stuck. I need a miracle at this point. Though I will be grateful that I'm not homeless. I will be grateful that I have some food to eat. I will be grateful that I have a lot of time to "think" and create my artworks.

My stress comes from months of struggle and months of WTF moments once I get the interview. I would get an auto response in many cases telling me that "you're overqualified" or even when I would get the interview, something weird would happen to "prevent" me from getting the job. A generator fire at the office building? Really? A server wipe of all applications right after the manager puts in my recommendation to H.R.?

It's things like this that make me question my life and what direction I am heading in. Am I simply not going to get regular work anymore? Did my time at the retail store ruin me for further employment? What am I doing wrong in this world? Was I truly born the wrong skin color? What in the actual fuck is going on?

Is this where the story ends? What the hell?

Desperate, Broke, and Unemployed.

The difference your friends can make.

In all these months of studying vibrational frequency, I've come to a conclusion about people. You can enable or disable the type of people that are in your life. I've come to realize that you cannot keep poor minded people in your circle when you yourself are aspiring to do better. I love everyone who has come and gone from my life in general, but so many had to be put on the chopping block for the sake of my growing need for sanity.

The old saying goes: "You are a reflection of the company you keep." I can definitely see where this is a true statement. The friends I had in high school are so much the same that they were before, but it was I that had changed. I had evolved past their state of thinking. I no longer wanted to take part of their ignorance. So I left for the military and got a whole new perspective on everything.

Upon coming back to Atlanta, I was well adjusted to a new way of thinking and saw that my old friends had still remained exactly as I had left them. I had to leave them behind yet again. Their thinking and my thinking were no longer a match. Different goals equate different ways of thinking, which equals different vibrations. The thought of catching up with any of them disillusions me. It is still even after all of this time, more of the same. I myself had changed drastically.

I am no longer the helpless victim of circumstances. I am now the hero of my own story. I am now the inspiring person who loves his own transformations. I am now the one who will not tolerate or deal with negative people. Yes, I have changed, and thankfully for my own benefit. It looks like this sort of thing happens every decade for me. That some people simply don't make the cut to be bothered with.

This isn't to disrespect anyone. It is a fact of life that must be addressed at a certain point. You have the people you grow up with and then you have the people you can expand with. So if your circle of friends genuinely make you happy, you have found your tribe. If they do not, it is time for a change.

Be that change.

Into the new void

It is a new year upon us. The lunar new year now as we speak. I have reached a weird place in my life. For whatever cosmic reason, I'm still where I am. I want to leave here and never look back. As a matter of fact, I want to go quite far away and start my life completely over. To a place where no one knows me at all. Wipe it all clean and feel good about all the stuff that never mattered. The people that never mattered will be distant memories of my subconscious.

All to start over again and fresh into a life filled with peace and prosperity and joy. That is the whole point of life if you really are paying attention. You fight so hard for so many little things to experience joy. All of the decisions you have made in your life have led you to this place, but every decision made was for the purpose of experiencing the freedom of joy. So what would happen if I just ignored everything and only decided to be happy regardless of the situation?

This is my next major experiment. I'm going to not make any major expectations. I'm going to explore life by experiencing joy regardless of surroundings or circumstances. I want to see just how far this whole "manifestation" thing can go. I want to see what happens when you are happy regardless of anything and see what is produced for my life then. Ok, so in March, I will tell you what happened.