Searching through hard times.

The more you go through certain things, you begin to discover what you actually desire. It is through contrast you discover more of yourself. I once thought I wanted to be an acrobat. Ha, that died a quick death. Then I wanted to be a professional martial artist, which went well for a moment but then soon diminished years later. Drawing was the one that stuck for a good minute. I just don't know anymore as far as professionally making good money from it. People will "like" my stuff on various social media, but are hesitant to "buy" anything I can produce.

And I can't get angry with them about it. It is simply making me question, "what am I putting out there?" It also makes me think that something I am doing simply isn't "good enough" at times. I don't know anymore honestly. But I do know that the process makes me feel amazing. The path of creation is a fun path indeed. To conjure whole worlds of adventure and excitement are a great thing indeed. I get to write about such wonderful beings and then illustrate them and ponder over my creations.

I've recently hit a "weird spot" in life actually. I'm once again working somewhere that isn't giving me the satisfaction for my creative side. And that's just the deadly balance to the life of an artist or any creative. We want to create, but we need to get paid. The dream is to get paid doing something creative, but corporate America makes it a bit difficult. I don't know, maybe it is just the perspective I have been so used to. Maybe I can conjure up the best creation that will make me millions of dollars. Who knows exactly? But I do know, that I love myself too much to settle for anything less.

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During the chaos shift

I remember going through some very hard times growing up during the late 80's and early 90's. I was being raised by my sisters in the absence of my mother during those days. It was pretty rough being on welfare and sometimes not having the lights on or even food to eat unless I was at school. The other students never fully accepted me at all except a rare few. I remember that those years were so hard, that I labeled the 20th century "The Dark World".

But I also remember that during those very rough and unstable times, I had dreams to get away from the harshness of reality. I used to immerse myself into comic books and video games to bypass the time. When we had no power, I would pick up any pencil I could find, and steal paper from the copier room at school. I would draw to practice drawing and immerse myself into my very own comic book universe. It helped keep me sane to know that I was doing something positive during those dark and depressing times.

I would read this book "Learn to Draw the Marvel Way", every week I could get my hands on it from the school library. I begged my sisters to buy me a Muscle and Fitness magazine. I remember the first issue had Gary Styrdom on the cover. I would draw until I had no paper left. Keeping focused on my new found obsession with comic art.

So I bring back up this old memory to remind myself that I have faced darker times. I realize that I was allowing myself to feel better regardless of the world around me and ultimately, it brought me peace. So now that my world is once again shaken with some uncertainty, I am going to go at it again to create my peace regardless of the world around me. It is ultimately a choice in how I want to feel. No one can take away from you how you choose to feel.

I'm so glad to have lived such an adventurous life both good and bad with contrasts. It has given me everything I need to overcome anything that has stood in my way. God is real, and his grace is overwhelmingly great.

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The journey now

It's months later and I feel like I am in a weird but peaceful place. The world continues on whether you are ready to or not. Life itself has been pretty chaotic this year, but at least it has bore some fruit to say the least. I have learned a lot since my friend's passing into another dimension.

One, life itself doesn't really "end", you transition into another face of reality that is never truly discussed. How do I know this? Let's just say, I've had conversations with that bestie numerous times but in a much different way.
Two, nothing in this reality is concrete or "real" so to speak. If you can shift your focus for as little as even 15 seconds, you can completely change what actually is going on around you in your world. I've learned quite a bit about that recently. Where beforehand, I was experimenting with that in spurts.

Three, the only thing that is sacred, is what you choose to make sacred. But what truly is sacred isn't physical unless you choose for it to  be.

Four, reasoning with others is useless unless you can focus on it already happening. Trust me on this. No one will "get you", until you do. And now, I'm going to go drift through the night and hopefully wake up from this "complicated rift" between worlds.


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