There was a time, when being part of a group was the most honored thing that you could be. It was not too long ago that everyone wanted to find a good job, stay with that job, and eventually retire from that job. But those were the days of my parents. Over my lifetime, I have seen a miraculous shift in ideals and situations. People put up with tyrannical companies for such a long time, that corporations got away with blind murder in how they treated their workers. Record labels could abuse musical artists with contracts. Retail giants could amass giant profits while crippling their employees with whatever wages they deemed fit to serve their purpose.
And along came technology. It all became something much different in such a short time. The planetary consciousness began a major shift by the year 2000. New ideas and technology began to truly have a foothold in the world as minor inconveniences were the source of providing for a need that companies were not willing to pay for. As Microsoft and Apple began creating new hardware and software for the average person, the internet took the world by storm. Windows gave birth to a new era of the self promoted. Ideas became more valuable than gold and silver, because they could create millionaires overnight.
It began in 1999 with Napster. The sharing service that revolutionized how music was distributed. Record companies, and some music artists attempted to stop Napster before it could get a foothold, but it was already too late. It had begun a revolution. It let people realize, that technology was the answer to the freedom that they all sought after. Almost overnight, CD shops were going out of business. Why bother going in to a CD shop and paying $20 for a disc that only cost the company .50 cents to make, when you can sit at your own home and pirate a copy of that same CD for free?
And then came Youtube.com No longer were people bound to trying to get television or radio networks to listen to them. No longer did they have to have a "talent agent" miraculously find them like some fairy tale. Now people who could afford a web camera were broadcasting themselves and becoming internet celebrities overnight. There were comedians who became actors, there were people who got famous for the sake of just being famous, and it was all so much easier to accomplish because the attention of mankind shifted to the internet.
And now, I sit here and wonder to myself. What will I do in honor of this new movement? I can feel my own independence is emerging from the corporate mindset. I know that I am destined for my own greatness regardless of how long it may have taken. I am ready to get my webcam and show myself to the world.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
I want to love you
I want to love you. All of you to the very core. I want to love who you are, who you were, and why you are. I want to love the cells of your body and the spirit that drives each of them. I want to feel you in my soul and myself in your soul. I want you to know how hard I love. How passionate I feel is it's own gift. I love to the point of utter loyalty. I love you so much that it feels like the universe itself will stop if I do. As the rain comes falling down gently, know that those are my tears falling from me for your absence. The cool air that follows is my gentle whisper of missed memories I wanted to have with you.
You see past my armor. You see past my powers. You see me for who I am and you are not afraid. You understand who I am. You feel the love, and the divinity. You cherish the moment and take refuge in my soul. I house you for what you are. I don't judge you, I warm you. I don't speak as I feel your very presence. The entire world feels brand new with each new moment that you are in it with me. I can feel your very air as it circles my mind. So much you want to say, but you don't. So much you get to know now that you are close to me. And for some strange reason, it all feels natural.
From our phone conversations, you and I talk for hours on end. You never want to leave the moment. An eternity in one conversation, this is the drug you've wanted since forever. I make you high, I take you away, and I nourish you at the same time. It goes beyond your expectations, and it invigorates you how easy it is to be near me. You don't let me bother you, but instead can't wait to get near me and I let you every time. This is the eternity you wanted. This is the eternity I wanted.
This is what it feels like, so filled with power, and love, and understanding. The Euphoria is wondrous, and it never ends as all the knowledge you wanted is at your finger tips. Just the feeling itself is beyond your concept of reality. Is this real? Is this what you wanted? Well, at this point, does it even matter? This is the roller coaster that you didn't want to end. And when you wake up, you wonder, was all of this a dream? What is he? What is Sealy?
You see past my armor. You see past my powers. You see me for who I am and you are not afraid. You understand who I am. You feel the love, and the divinity. You cherish the moment and take refuge in my soul. I house you for what you are. I don't judge you, I warm you. I don't speak as I feel your very presence. The entire world feels brand new with each new moment that you are in it with me. I can feel your very air as it circles my mind. So much you want to say, but you don't. So much you get to know now that you are close to me. And for some strange reason, it all feels natural.
From our phone conversations, you and I talk for hours on end. You never want to leave the moment. An eternity in one conversation, this is the drug you've wanted since forever. I make you high, I take you away, and I nourish you at the same time. It goes beyond your expectations, and it invigorates you how easy it is to be near me. You don't let me bother you, but instead can't wait to get near me and I let you every time. This is the eternity you wanted. This is the eternity I wanted.
This is what it feels like, so filled with power, and love, and understanding. The Euphoria is wondrous, and it never ends as all the knowledge you wanted is at your finger tips. Just the feeling itself is beyond your concept of reality. Is this real? Is this what you wanted? Well, at this point, does it even matter? This is the roller coaster that you didn't want to end. And when you wake up, you wonder, was all of this a dream? What is he? What is Sealy?
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Saturday, July 15, 2017
From the bottom up.
I have had a very interesting year thus far. I have finally moved away from the stressful work environment that was debilitating to my life. I have made a realization that I need to focus on myself rather than the very tumultuous world I have been living in. I have found that distraction is very powerful if you give it more attention than yourself. I allowed myself to reach a mental rock bottom in which no one truly was in support of what I was doing. I am thankful, for all of this. Why? Because I can start completely over. But this time, no allies, no fools, and no distractions.
This is a very good thing to look forward to. Life itself is never fully perfect. You are raised, you grow up, and you have conflict, drama, discovery, and absolution. I realize now, that I was the strongest in my circle of comrades, allowing myself to be "downplayed" to make others feel better for their own pathetic egos and existence. How foolish of me to have so much empathy. I let myself take a back seat to people who once again, didn't care for anything but themselves. This was a repeated behavioral mistake that I have carried from younger days.
It hurts when you think about it from a stand point of emotions. Knowing that people that you let get close to you, weren't really the best thing for you. Knowing that you give and give and give and yet nothing really is happening to benefit you on your end. You put yourself out there because your own childhood was so turbulent and so mentally disturbing, that you forgot how to love who you actually are. It begins with childhood programming. People who were abused as children end up being empathic or narcissistic or worse, total psychopaths.
In my own case, I was an empath trying to tolerate what was nearest to me. The truth was, I enjoyed people of differing sorts. I enjoyed people able to help them. I may still enjoy helping people. But after so much, I have learned you can only assist those who help themselves. And after you have assisted them, cut them off. In a biblical narrative, this is why prophets would, for the most part, separate themselves from the followers. It is why in the recent version of the bible, Jesus would take a lot of personal time away from other people. When you are empathic, you need to detox your spirit from the world and most especially from society.
To me, social media in almost all of its forms is entertainment. If monitored and used correctly, it is beneficial to promote business and independent goals alike. If you spend too much time on it, you end up being depraved of actual human response. I feel I let myself go into depression not even realizing that I was there. Immersing myself into social media as a way to cope with what I was going through. It did help for the most part, but a part of me was spending too much time on it. I allowed myself to get "too distracted" with news feeds, groups, personal messages, and otherwise foolish endeavors.
I was the one that caused my own misery in my adult life, by focusing far too much on the need of acceptance of other people. I wanted so hard to be liked, respected, and adored. I used social media as a way to feel more human, and in turn got caught up in the web of lies and addiction that is social media. Or should I say one particular social media, Facebook. It is my belief, that Facebook is a very negative platform of social media. I truly believe that there is some form of "dark conscious" on this particular website. So many distractions on it, lead you into places of conflict. No matter your friend list, there is somehow always something going on that is negative in your new's feed.
Facebook didn't always used to be this way. But as the years went by, more and more content suddenly became "corrupted". You can't just laugh at a fun clap back like on Twitter. You can't just take a picture and hashtag it like Instagram. Oh no, Facebook wants to know your location. Facebook wants you to tag your friends in it. Facebook wants your phone number. Facebook wants it's messenger service to be exclusive on your phone. With new features, you get more and more drawn in, until you don't realize this "dark consciousness" has a hold of you. You can send money, you can take files and upload them. But Facebook wants you to use your real government name.
All of this, to monitor you and sell your information to companies that will pay them for it. All the more to study your content to know what you buy. What you adore and what you will be willing to do to be convinced to buy products. Yeah, I see it so much more clearly now, since I have taken a hiatus from this website. If you want nothing but positive experiences on social media, stay away from Facebook. It will cause you to think of things that aren't even there.
As for me, I'm going to continue my exploration elsewhere and focus on my own dreams. I'm going to step away from the dark consciousness and do my own thing. I'm going to surround myself with others that are even more skilled than myself on purpose. My boost is here, my motivation to do greater things begins and ends with myself.
This is a very good thing to look forward to. Life itself is never fully perfect. You are raised, you grow up, and you have conflict, drama, discovery, and absolution. I realize now, that I was the strongest in my circle of comrades, allowing myself to be "downplayed" to make others feel better for their own pathetic egos and existence. How foolish of me to have so much empathy. I let myself take a back seat to people who once again, didn't care for anything but themselves. This was a repeated behavioral mistake that I have carried from younger days.
It hurts when you think about it from a stand point of emotions. Knowing that people that you let get close to you, weren't really the best thing for you. Knowing that you give and give and give and yet nothing really is happening to benefit you on your end. You put yourself out there because your own childhood was so turbulent and so mentally disturbing, that you forgot how to love who you actually are. It begins with childhood programming. People who were abused as children end up being empathic or narcissistic or worse, total psychopaths.
In my own case, I was an empath trying to tolerate what was nearest to me. The truth was, I enjoyed people of differing sorts. I enjoyed people able to help them. I may still enjoy helping people. But after so much, I have learned you can only assist those who help themselves. And after you have assisted them, cut them off. In a biblical narrative, this is why prophets would, for the most part, separate themselves from the followers. It is why in the recent version of the bible, Jesus would take a lot of personal time away from other people. When you are empathic, you need to detox your spirit from the world and most especially from society.
To me, social media in almost all of its forms is entertainment. If monitored and used correctly, it is beneficial to promote business and independent goals alike. If you spend too much time on it, you end up being depraved of actual human response. I feel I let myself go into depression not even realizing that I was there. Immersing myself into social media as a way to cope with what I was going through. It did help for the most part, but a part of me was spending too much time on it. I allowed myself to get "too distracted" with news feeds, groups, personal messages, and otherwise foolish endeavors.
I was the one that caused my own misery in my adult life, by focusing far too much on the need of acceptance of other people. I wanted so hard to be liked, respected, and adored. I used social media as a way to feel more human, and in turn got caught up in the web of lies and addiction that is social media. Or should I say one particular social media, Facebook. It is my belief, that Facebook is a very negative platform of social media. I truly believe that there is some form of "dark conscious" on this particular website. So many distractions on it, lead you into places of conflict. No matter your friend list, there is somehow always something going on that is negative in your new's feed.
Facebook didn't always used to be this way. But as the years went by, more and more content suddenly became "corrupted". You can't just laugh at a fun clap back like on Twitter. You can't just take a picture and hashtag it like Instagram. Oh no, Facebook wants to know your location. Facebook wants you to tag your friends in it. Facebook wants your phone number. Facebook wants it's messenger service to be exclusive on your phone. With new features, you get more and more drawn in, until you don't realize this "dark consciousness" has a hold of you. You can send money, you can take files and upload them. But Facebook wants you to use your real government name.
All of this, to monitor you and sell your information to companies that will pay them for it. All the more to study your content to know what you buy. What you adore and what you will be willing to do to be convinced to buy products. Yeah, I see it so much more clearly now, since I have taken a hiatus from this website. If you want nothing but positive experiences on social media, stay away from Facebook. It will cause you to think of things that aren't even there.
As for me, I'm going to continue my exploration elsewhere and focus on my own dreams. I'm going to step away from the dark consciousness and do my own thing. I'm going to surround myself with others that are even more skilled than myself on purpose. My boost is here, my motivation to do greater things begins and ends with myself.
Friday, July 14, 2017
Eclipse
Throughout my spiritual journey, I have given far too much to people. I have used my abilities to help people even far past the point of exhaustion. This only lead to me being back stabbed by my own friends on more than one occasion. I've used my money to help folks only to be forgotten when I was in pain or humbled. I've attempted to bridge gaps for the most sinister and the most destitute, and what did that teach me? It taught me that people are fickle and I should actually only love myself from this point on.
I was born to love and have been burned more times than turkeys on Thanksgiving. I have helped people who were looking for help and only received little to no recognition. My own family branded me a heretic, abomination, witch, and monster. But what no one truly understands or are willing to admit, is they are the very cause of what creates a monster in the first place. God himself, loves far more than most humans can even comprehend. Those who are connected to him are often the most isolated people in existence regardless of origin.
You learn that being connected to God and the Universe has a heavy cost. You learn that people don't want the truth and yet they have to bear it in order to improve. You learn that not every "I love you" is genuine. You learn how unimportant you are once people get what they want. Oh they love you while they cry and whine and are going through it. They pray to God when they want help. They listen to angels when their lights are cut off, but are happy and quick to ignore those same angels once they get a paycheck.
Humanity is a spoiled child that needs to be taught a lesson on a constant basis. I see this now. I've been too generous with humanity and I'm changing that as of now. I'm using my abilities in reverse now. No more blessings, let there be curses. No more advice, let there be ignorance. No more help, let there be pain. You use me for your entertainment and yet don't even consider me? Since you don't respect my presence, let's see how long you last in my absence.
I was born to love and have been burned more times than turkeys on Thanksgiving. I have helped people who were looking for help and only received little to no recognition. My own family branded me a heretic, abomination, witch, and monster. But what no one truly understands or are willing to admit, is they are the very cause of what creates a monster in the first place. God himself, loves far more than most humans can even comprehend. Those who are connected to him are often the most isolated people in existence regardless of origin.
You learn that being connected to God and the Universe has a heavy cost. You learn that people don't want the truth and yet they have to bear it in order to improve. You learn that not every "I love you" is genuine. You learn how unimportant you are once people get what they want. Oh they love you while they cry and whine and are going through it. They pray to God when they want help. They listen to angels when their lights are cut off, but are happy and quick to ignore those same angels once they get a paycheck.
Humanity is a spoiled child that needs to be taught a lesson on a constant basis. I see this now. I've been too generous with humanity and I'm changing that as of now. I'm using my abilities in reverse now. No more blessings, let there be curses. No more advice, let there be ignorance. No more help, let there be pain. You use me for your entertainment and yet don't even consider me? Since you don't respect my presence, let's see how long you last in my absence.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
What I truly want
I am a cosmic being having a mortal experience in this stage of time. Far away from my first incarnation, I am lost within past desires made manifest in a new world. I am watching my friends age fast in front of me, and their lives play out faster than I can even recollect. I want to hold on to them, but I cannot hold them long. Like water dripping through my hands, their lives are no longer my responsibility. I am asked so often, what it is that I want. That answer is so simple and plain.
I want to love and to be in love. I want to have the wet kisses and the foolish mistakes. I want to have the fun debates and the loyalty despite the world. I'm not worried of the world itself, I've seen so many versions of it pass. I am still here and yet the world is looking at me like the first time we met. I love you, and I know you, and yet I am still mystified at how I am here this time. I want the power of love in my existence. The toxic madness of it, the purified sanctity of it, I want it all. I want to feel again and know what life truly is.
I want to love, is that hard to ask? I want to be granted what so many humans have taken for granted. Most of these fools want power or wealth, until the death bed teaches them their mistakes. So many want what they think makes them happy, until they realize that love, is what they truly want. It is more than success and dreams. It is more than death itself, love is something that transcends all. It is beyond logic, and is a force of nature.
In each lifetime, there has been some version of it. In my own, I have seen this force but a few times. I feel lost and left behind. I want to feel you again and never let go. Come back to me oh love and never miss me again. Let us talk until sunrise, or until the world itself finally dies.
Q
I want to love and to be in love. I want to have the wet kisses and the foolish mistakes. I want to have the fun debates and the loyalty despite the world. I'm not worried of the world itself, I've seen so many versions of it pass. I am still here and yet the world is looking at me like the first time we met. I love you, and I know you, and yet I am still mystified at how I am here this time. I want the power of love in my existence. The toxic madness of it, the purified sanctity of it, I want it all. I want to feel again and know what life truly is.
I want to love, is that hard to ask? I want to be granted what so many humans have taken for granted. Most of these fools want power or wealth, until the death bed teaches them their mistakes. So many want what they think makes them happy, until they realize that love, is what they truly want. It is more than success and dreams. It is more than death itself, love is something that transcends all. It is beyond logic, and is a force of nature.
In each lifetime, there has been some version of it. In my own, I have seen this force but a few times. I feel lost and left behind. I want to feel you again and never let go. Come back to me oh love and never miss me again. Let us talk until sunrise, or until the world itself finally dies.
Q
Saturday, July 8, 2017
So what if?
What if I had been born in the same lifeline but got to have a relationship with my Grandparents? Would they tell me that spiritual abilities were in my family? What if my father wasn't the way he was and we had a relationship? Would he have guided me to control my strength? What if my life took a different route and everything was explained to me in the first place? Would I have been more merciful to everyone I encountered? What if I had a teacher guide me towards understanding myself and help me understanding these abilities that I have? Would I have not hurt so many people?
I have pondered on all of this and understand that life itself is made the way it is for some very definite reasons. Those reasons resonate with a non physical part of ourselves in totality. I was born the way I was born for a reason. I have experienced all of this life in the perspective of my own for fate's sake. So far, I have only loved three people. I am one of the eldest in the people that I know, and yet I am watching them age older in appearance than myself.
I stand in mystery to what God made me be. Though I was told, many others will never truly "get it". Can someone truly love me? Am I meant to do greater things still? What am I to do with these people that are looking to me for constant answers? Why are my emotions so powerful? These are questions that deserve answers. I am wondering if there is another version of me out there that can give them to me. I have served you Father for such a long time now. Will I ever get a reward like you gave the others? Will I ever be able to do the balancing act of raising a family and serving you?
I know full well what I signed up for. It's not like you gave me much of a choice during that "event" in 2001. But I'm not in regret for that. I simply wish I could take better advantage of the cards that have been dealt to me. You allow me to do so many powerful things, and yet, there is this emptiness that resides. It's as if I can't feel complete unless I am assisting others. How do I overcome this flaw? Why are you hiding my truest abilities away from others? Only people who ask can truly get the answer. I see that now as well. I simply wish this loneliness would go away.
I have pondered on all of this and understand that life itself is made the way it is for some very definite reasons. Those reasons resonate with a non physical part of ourselves in totality. I was born the way I was born for a reason. I have experienced all of this life in the perspective of my own for fate's sake. So far, I have only loved three people. I am one of the eldest in the people that I know, and yet I am watching them age older in appearance than myself.
I stand in mystery to what God made me be. Though I was told, many others will never truly "get it". Can someone truly love me? Am I meant to do greater things still? What am I to do with these people that are looking to me for constant answers? Why are my emotions so powerful? These are questions that deserve answers. I am wondering if there is another version of me out there that can give them to me. I have served you Father for such a long time now. Will I ever get a reward like you gave the others? Will I ever be able to do the balancing act of raising a family and serving you?
I know full well what I signed up for. It's not like you gave me much of a choice during that "event" in 2001. But I'm not in regret for that. I simply wish I could take better advantage of the cards that have been dealt to me. You allow me to do so many powerful things, and yet, there is this emptiness that resides. It's as if I can't feel complete unless I am assisting others. How do I overcome this flaw? Why are you hiding my truest abilities away from others? Only people who ask can truly get the answer. I see that now as well. I simply wish this loneliness would go away.
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Today is my day.
Today is my day. The day in which I was born. It actually coincides with the "feast of Anubis" in ancient days. Which in turn, makes sense to my inner connection to this old deity, but we'll get into that sometime later. Today is a special day for me, because it is the day I have come forth into this wondrous world. I was born on this day at 1 a.m. in the morning on July 5th, 1975 at Christiansted hospital in St. Croix, U.S. Virgin Islands. I was born on this day and my mother was extremely happy.
She prayed to God to have a son, and God delivered one to her. Almost immediately, this island born infant was rushed to a nearby catholic church and baptized within the same week. Her other children weren't baptized, but her son MUST be baptized. Her bundle of joy, her defacto husband when all other men leave her, the son, by obligation both divine and physically, was to care for her. A child will always care for the mother, even if things don't work out as planned.
Today is my day, a day that marks the presence of summer, of life and of existence itself. It is, for me, a day to appreciate life itself. Today is my day, a day that I have taken an oath to forgive all who would ask for forgiveness. (Many people do not realize this) But those who come in good faith to bury old grievances are forgiven on my day. Today is the start of my year. Today is my day, a day to love for the sake of loving. I love unconditionally all throughout this day. I finally give to myself on my own special day.
I treat today like a holiday, and a feast is definitely to be prepared. This day, (as per my fun tradition), we go to Rusan's Restaurant and celebrate life. It is common knowledge to gain my favor, it is done on this day. And they come to meet me, from their busy schedules, their day to day dwelling habits, all to meet me on my day. I am given wonderful gifts of art supplies, cheese cake, and many forms of alcohol, in the hopes of the givers that karma pays them a visit to give them wonderful things in return. It sounds silly, but everyone that has given me audience and gifts on my day, is exactly where they have wanted to be in life.
Today is my day, and I will show the world love. I will love myself and life itself from sunup to midnight. I am so happy for this day, because it is a day to clear away old debts. It is a day to feast and be merry. It is a day to love without condition or fault. It is my great reset button. And I learn and am reminded, that life is far too short to hold grudges. Such a special day indeed, for those who are willing to celebrate with me. We are all going to be at Rusan's in Buckhead at 8 tonight, just like the first time we did this and every time we do this. We will laugh, tell jokes, and drink to our hearts' content, because, it is my day.
She prayed to God to have a son, and God delivered one to her. Almost immediately, this island born infant was rushed to a nearby catholic church and baptized within the same week. Her other children weren't baptized, but her son MUST be baptized. Her bundle of joy, her defacto husband when all other men leave her, the son, by obligation both divine and physically, was to care for her. A child will always care for the mother, even if things don't work out as planned.
Today is my day, a day that marks the presence of summer, of life and of existence itself. It is, for me, a day to appreciate life itself. Today is my day, a day that I have taken an oath to forgive all who would ask for forgiveness. (Many people do not realize this) But those who come in good faith to bury old grievances are forgiven on my day. Today is the start of my year. Today is my day, a day to love for the sake of loving. I love unconditionally all throughout this day. I finally give to myself on my own special day.
I treat today like a holiday, and a feast is definitely to be prepared. This day, (as per my fun tradition), we go to Rusan's Restaurant and celebrate life. It is common knowledge to gain my favor, it is done on this day. And they come to meet me, from their busy schedules, their day to day dwelling habits, all to meet me on my day. I am given wonderful gifts of art supplies, cheese cake, and many forms of alcohol, in the hopes of the givers that karma pays them a visit to give them wonderful things in return. It sounds silly, but everyone that has given me audience and gifts on my day, is exactly where they have wanted to be in life.
Today is my day, and I will show the world love. I will love myself and life itself from sunup to midnight. I am so happy for this day, because it is a day to clear away old debts. It is a day to feast and be merry. It is a day to love without condition or fault. It is my great reset button. And I learn and am reminded, that life is far too short to hold grudges. Such a special day indeed, for those who are willing to celebrate with me. We are all going to be at Rusan's in Buckhead at 8 tonight, just like the first time we did this and every time we do this. We will laugh, tell jokes, and drink to our hearts' content, because, it is my day.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Coming to America
The year was 1980. Our plane had landed from St. Croix, U.S. Virgin Islands to Miami Florida. We were here, we finally made it as American citizens. My mother and my sisters each had their bags with them as we left the airport. My mother was frantic and afraid, she came to this country with $3000 and her brand new U.S. Visa in her pocket, and no idea what to do with herself and her four children. She knew then, that she could no longer ponder on help coming from her native St. Lucia. No one was going to help her or us. She did think for a moment what her father and mother would have to say about her actions. A recently divorced woman struggling to raise her four children in 1980 seemed like a large hurdle back then.
We had walked for what seemed to be hours until someone told her where we could find a cheap motel. And we found ourselves at that motel for a bit of a while. My sisters watched television and ate the fruits that my mother left for them while she scrubbed toilets and cleaned rooms to make ends meet for us. This was a very temporary fix while she figured out how to get some form of government assistance. It didn't last long that motel with the weird 70's wood paneling and thick cheap carpeting. Before we knew it, we were at a house in Hollywood Florida. I remember we arrived in that roach infested house but we were happy. We clung close to each other because no one else really understood our island dialect.
We were a family back then, my mother, my sisters and myself. We were dirt poor and going to school, but the poor people looked out for each other back then. Pretty quickly, other immigrants took a fondness to us. The Cubans, the Haitians, Jamaicans, and quite a few other islanders were there as well. All leaving behind their home islands to start over here in America. I did reminisce quite often of St. Croix. I did miss the warm waters and the sandy beaches. I missed running up and down grassy green hills and eating mango off of the trees with the other children. But here we were, in America in the dusty streets of the ghettos of Hollywood Florida.
This country takes something from you to make you "conform" to it. No don't appreciate nature, worship our God in a book. No it isn't right for you to wash yourself in the rain, that's not how we do it in America. You can't just catch crabs and eat fresh food, you have to go to a grocery store. I felt this compelling crushing force to make us try to forget who we are to fit in. I miss St. Croix, I miss bonding with nature and being free in the open winds. It is the core of who we are as a shamanistic tribe. So many African based cultures have long forgotten who they are for the sake of the complexity and the technology and fame of America.
We had walked for what seemed to be hours until someone told her where we could find a cheap motel. And we found ourselves at that motel for a bit of a while. My sisters watched television and ate the fruits that my mother left for them while she scrubbed toilets and cleaned rooms to make ends meet for us. This was a very temporary fix while she figured out how to get some form of government assistance. It didn't last long that motel with the weird 70's wood paneling and thick cheap carpeting. Before we knew it, we were at a house in Hollywood Florida. I remember we arrived in that roach infested house but we were happy. We clung close to each other because no one else really understood our island dialect.
We were a family back then, my mother, my sisters and myself. We were dirt poor and going to school, but the poor people looked out for each other back then. Pretty quickly, other immigrants took a fondness to us. The Cubans, the Haitians, Jamaicans, and quite a few other islanders were there as well. All leaving behind their home islands to start over here in America. I did reminisce quite often of St. Croix. I did miss the warm waters and the sandy beaches. I missed running up and down grassy green hills and eating mango off of the trees with the other children. But here we were, in America in the dusty streets of the ghettos of Hollywood Florida.
This country takes something from you to make you "conform" to it. No don't appreciate nature, worship our God in a book. No it isn't right for you to wash yourself in the rain, that's not how we do it in America. You can't just catch crabs and eat fresh food, you have to go to a grocery store. I felt this compelling crushing force to make us try to forget who we are to fit in. I miss St. Croix, I miss bonding with nature and being free in the open winds. It is the core of who we are as a shamanistic tribe. So many African based cultures have long forgotten who they are for the sake of the complexity and the technology and fame of America.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Little Dancer boy
You were born to a mother who kept a lot of secrets and to a father who was a failing stripper. You were born in Crawford Long Hospital to Dr. Crawford's wing personally since he favored your mother. You are half islander with one third native american roots within your blood line. On again, and off again, you were rejected by the man you tried to call your father whom your mother married. There I was, your uncle, who often was left with you and your sisters and cousins in my care. Why? Because your mother and aunt used to sneak off to go party in night clubs, strip clubs, and venues all while pretending to not be mothers.
You think your mother was a saint, and I'm here to tell you she never was. She used to emotionally abuse me on a constant basis. The physical abuse only came when I tried to stand up for myself, but of course you were too young to remember such details. That glorified childhood you remember oh so well came from your mother committing welfare fraud. Yes, that was her working as a hair stylist making almost $800 a week at O.V.'s hair salon while gladly accepting welfare, section 8 housing, food stamps, WIC, and any program she could put her hands on while "raising" you.
She was constantly moving from place to place, because of the drama she would always end up brewing wherever she went, but you never understood that portion. But let's get on with you shall we? Your father took the last bit of money that was hidden away for emergencies while your mother was pregnant with you and ran off to never be seen again. This was after a hefty two month relationship with your mother. He took off with over $5,000 your grandmother had hidden away for us while she was incarcerated and while your mother and the rest of us were about to be evicted in an apartment with no lights on.
Let's fast forward back to you, the actual you, little dancer boy. You used to try to emotionally cling to anyone close to you to always feel rejected. Your sisters would often bully you because you were sensitive. Of course they don't fully understand what you were going through, they had a father figure in each of their lives, and you my dear sir, did not. This was in a dark and dreary sense where we actually related. Both of us raised by damaged women. Both of us abandoned by our fathers. Both of us sensitive spirits in a world of ruthless people. I fully understand exactly the person you are.
You used to watch me dance, and got heavily inspired. You used to love and adore my video game Bust a Groove and played it until the disc scratched beyond repair. You would watch me draw pictures and would be obsessed with what I produced. You still have the sketch pad that I gave you despite you being angry with me. I know you have it, because you are a sentimental person. Because in that cold and bleak version of the world we both lived in, I gave you the one thing that made it worth it, hope. It tore your little heart to pieces when I left for the military. How could I leave this perfect world that we were in? Well little dancer boy, it wasn't perfect. You had your mother's favor, while I was the reminder of the woman that betrayed your mother when she needed her. Why would she let me stick around.
Oh yes, that part about us you never actually understood. Why did I never come around and why your mother and I truly never got along. Your mother hated that she was my guardian. Oh and she made it well known how much she hated me. I went out of my way to just "do what she wanted" and she was still a nightmare to live with. I was a burden to her in a world of burdens she never wanted to deal with. And why should she deal with me, I was supposed to be our mother's problem, not hers. But when your mother is incarcerated and the father cannot be located, well, there is not much choice in the matter.
Off I went to become the man I would become, and there you were in the lonely place again. You did horrible in school because teachers never made much effort to understand you and they had no reason to when your mother made no effort to communicate with them. Why? Because she did horrible in school as well. Your grandmother was angry when a teacher at your mother's school told her that she would end up a welfare mother because of how pampered your grandmother made your mother. Looks like that teacher was right. But let's get back to you, oh yes, out little dancer boy. So you would play video games and angrily bide your time with your family, until finally word came that I was heading home.
A smile came across your face because deep down inside, there was something you wanted to tell me but never actually could explain to me. You just knew you were close to me when you were younger and wanted that kinship back. Here I was, sleeping on your mother's couch and looking for a job. And you were happy and elated that I was there. But somehow I felt different to you. I was there, but I wasn't there. I somehow wasn't the same bright eyed teenager you had gotten to know. And then one day, I was just gone. You never understood why, you were just happy for the time we had and the video games I brought. Meanwhile, your mother threw me out of her little condo because I didn't want to go to her church. She did it real slick like too, calling your aunt to come pick me up and take me to Peachtree corners circle.
And you grew and grew, always feeling different. You never truly fit in with anyone in your family. You were growing up a gay son in a hopelessly religious household that never fully embraced that part of you. Don't know you yet? Please don't make me laugh. I know full well who and what you are to the very core. I know that was you, being a pampered and disobedient child while your mother continued to make bad decisions. I'll agree, she did a horrible job of raising you. But how could she raise a gay man? How could she understand that you were a young empath that could feel other's emotions and never understood why.
You grew up feeling abandoned, despite refusing to take responsibility. And along came this thing called Facebook. You connected with me again since you haven't seen me since my 30th birthday. You loved Bust a Groove so much, you practiced all of the dance moves. That was the world to you, dancing. It gives you a sense of peace that you could never get elsewhere. It liberated your soul to feel so balanced and in harmony with something higher than yourself. We would have frequent chats about a lot of things. Your coming out story, (which was very late since I knew about you since your birth), was very touching. But let's be honest here, you were afraid that you wouldn't get support. And I am glad that you were proven wrong.
I was the voice of consciousness in your life. From then to even now. Always telling you what is best for your growth and your progress. And then your sex, drugs, and rock and roll phase started. You got involved with a lot of the wrong type of people influencing your life. You went on an out of town spree with a boyfriend that wasn't your boyfriend. You were on the phone with me, as he was cheating on you while tears fell on your cheek. I have always been there, "little dancer boy", and I always will be. The real reason you are angry with me right now, is because you expect me to stop the world for you.
You expect people to make exceptions for you in every case. You want the whole world and you can work hard for it, but you expect far too much from people and at the most inopportune times. You lied to me that day you visited me in 2013. You wondered why I was so well put together during your mother's funeral. You and your grandmother stood there wondering the whole time I was just a jolly little camper even after hearing about my own sister's murder. Well, you see a part of me was saddened that she was murdered. But another part of me finally felt free from her. Free from the very person that abused me, used me, and made me feel worthless for so many years of my life. The very person who was a brilliant liar finally laid in a jar completely burned. Yes, that was a mean thing to say, but it was actually very true.
Her spirit came to visit me two times, and I never told you about it. The first time was for of course, a selfish request to help the police identify and arrest her killer. When she realized that I would do nothing, she couldn't even be angry with me. She went on to get help from your sisters, from your aunt, from your grandmother, but of course, they don't get a full grasp on what we actually are. Yes, that family secret you've been on the verge of wanting to know, but never asked the right person? I know all about it. The second time your mother's spirit visited me was her last. She came to me to apologize about everything. Why? Because God himself let her know in that time of "afterlife" that I was the one that was wronged the most by her, not you. She came, her pride was stripped, and she finally after so long, apologized after so much pain, for so long, and then she left.
I know about you, I've known completely about you to the core. You are angry at me, because I've "never helped you financially". I mean why would I when almost every time, you've lied to me. Your own family members warned me to never give you money. Every. Last. One. Your aunt gave me a horrifying two hour conversation about you and what you have chosen to become. Living with her for free, and talking bad about her living conditions on the phone with your "friends". Oh those same "friends" that abandoned you when you needed a place to stay? You lied to me about needing that rent money. Yes, I had $400 in my pocket that night you came to see me. Hell, I could have even paid your entire rent off, had you not lied to me. I would have done it too had everyone else not warned me not to.
Despite your bad decisions, you clearly only think about yourself. But why would you think about other people? According to you, we're never "there". Despite the fact that we help you everytime and get absolutely nothing in return everytime. Yes, I am your family, yes I am your uncle, and NEVER have you given me any reverence. Why would I help you, when you are strung out on molly and bad decisions? You are angry because I wouldn't give you a dollar when you were calling me at 11:29 at night? Oh, that wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I just finished working a 12 hour shift on my feet all day and was covered in sweat? But of course, you don't care about that, you only think about yourself.
Despite even this, I already know your future. You do become successful, but it takes a very huge heart ache for you to finally "get it". The best man in your entire life is going to come into your life, and you are going to treat him life utter trash. He will attempt to heal that blackened heart of yours and will fail. And then he will leave you. And it is there, within all of those tears and cursing, you'll finally "get it". You'll see what a little monster you've been. Drink some grow the fuck up and finally be the owner of that dance studio you have always wanted. You will make headlines and you will meet great people, and it will mean nothing to you.
Because despite everything you go through, you will always be that little dancer boy.
Q
You think your mother was a saint, and I'm here to tell you she never was. She used to emotionally abuse me on a constant basis. The physical abuse only came when I tried to stand up for myself, but of course you were too young to remember such details. That glorified childhood you remember oh so well came from your mother committing welfare fraud. Yes, that was her working as a hair stylist making almost $800 a week at O.V.'s hair salon while gladly accepting welfare, section 8 housing, food stamps, WIC, and any program she could put her hands on while "raising" you.
She was constantly moving from place to place, because of the drama she would always end up brewing wherever she went, but you never understood that portion. But let's get on with you shall we? Your father took the last bit of money that was hidden away for emergencies while your mother was pregnant with you and ran off to never be seen again. This was after a hefty two month relationship with your mother. He took off with over $5,000 your grandmother had hidden away for us while she was incarcerated and while your mother and the rest of us were about to be evicted in an apartment with no lights on.
Let's fast forward back to you, the actual you, little dancer boy. You used to try to emotionally cling to anyone close to you to always feel rejected. Your sisters would often bully you because you were sensitive. Of course they don't fully understand what you were going through, they had a father figure in each of their lives, and you my dear sir, did not. This was in a dark and dreary sense where we actually related. Both of us raised by damaged women. Both of us abandoned by our fathers. Both of us sensitive spirits in a world of ruthless people. I fully understand exactly the person you are.
You used to watch me dance, and got heavily inspired. You used to love and adore my video game Bust a Groove and played it until the disc scratched beyond repair. You would watch me draw pictures and would be obsessed with what I produced. You still have the sketch pad that I gave you despite you being angry with me. I know you have it, because you are a sentimental person. Because in that cold and bleak version of the world we both lived in, I gave you the one thing that made it worth it, hope. It tore your little heart to pieces when I left for the military. How could I leave this perfect world that we were in? Well little dancer boy, it wasn't perfect. You had your mother's favor, while I was the reminder of the woman that betrayed your mother when she needed her. Why would she let me stick around.
Oh yes, that part about us you never actually understood. Why did I never come around and why your mother and I truly never got along. Your mother hated that she was my guardian. Oh and she made it well known how much she hated me. I went out of my way to just "do what she wanted" and she was still a nightmare to live with. I was a burden to her in a world of burdens she never wanted to deal with. And why should she deal with me, I was supposed to be our mother's problem, not hers. But when your mother is incarcerated and the father cannot be located, well, there is not much choice in the matter.
Off I went to become the man I would become, and there you were in the lonely place again. You did horrible in school because teachers never made much effort to understand you and they had no reason to when your mother made no effort to communicate with them. Why? Because she did horrible in school as well. Your grandmother was angry when a teacher at your mother's school told her that she would end up a welfare mother because of how pampered your grandmother made your mother. Looks like that teacher was right. But let's get back to you, oh yes, out little dancer boy. So you would play video games and angrily bide your time with your family, until finally word came that I was heading home.
A smile came across your face because deep down inside, there was something you wanted to tell me but never actually could explain to me. You just knew you were close to me when you were younger and wanted that kinship back. Here I was, sleeping on your mother's couch and looking for a job. And you were happy and elated that I was there. But somehow I felt different to you. I was there, but I wasn't there. I somehow wasn't the same bright eyed teenager you had gotten to know. And then one day, I was just gone. You never understood why, you were just happy for the time we had and the video games I brought. Meanwhile, your mother threw me out of her little condo because I didn't want to go to her church. She did it real slick like too, calling your aunt to come pick me up and take me to Peachtree corners circle.
And you grew and grew, always feeling different. You never truly fit in with anyone in your family. You were growing up a gay son in a hopelessly religious household that never fully embraced that part of you. Don't know you yet? Please don't make me laugh. I know full well who and what you are to the very core. I know that was you, being a pampered and disobedient child while your mother continued to make bad decisions. I'll agree, she did a horrible job of raising you. But how could she raise a gay man? How could she understand that you were a young empath that could feel other's emotions and never understood why.
You grew up feeling abandoned, despite refusing to take responsibility. And along came this thing called Facebook. You connected with me again since you haven't seen me since my 30th birthday. You loved Bust a Groove so much, you practiced all of the dance moves. That was the world to you, dancing. It gives you a sense of peace that you could never get elsewhere. It liberated your soul to feel so balanced and in harmony with something higher than yourself. We would have frequent chats about a lot of things. Your coming out story, (which was very late since I knew about you since your birth), was very touching. But let's be honest here, you were afraid that you wouldn't get support. And I am glad that you were proven wrong.
I was the voice of consciousness in your life. From then to even now. Always telling you what is best for your growth and your progress. And then your sex, drugs, and rock and roll phase started. You got involved with a lot of the wrong type of people influencing your life. You went on an out of town spree with a boyfriend that wasn't your boyfriend. You were on the phone with me, as he was cheating on you while tears fell on your cheek. I have always been there, "little dancer boy", and I always will be. The real reason you are angry with me right now, is because you expect me to stop the world for you.
You expect people to make exceptions for you in every case. You want the whole world and you can work hard for it, but you expect far too much from people and at the most inopportune times. You lied to me that day you visited me in 2013. You wondered why I was so well put together during your mother's funeral. You and your grandmother stood there wondering the whole time I was just a jolly little camper even after hearing about my own sister's murder. Well, you see a part of me was saddened that she was murdered. But another part of me finally felt free from her. Free from the very person that abused me, used me, and made me feel worthless for so many years of my life. The very person who was a brilliant liar finally laid in a jar completely burned. Yes, that was a mean thing to say, but it was actually very true.
Her spirit came to visit me two times, and I never told you about it. The first time was for of course, a selfish request to help the police identify and arrest her killer. When she realized that I would do nothing, she couldn't even be angry with me. She went on to get help from your sisters, from your aunt, from your grandmother, but of course, they don't get a full grasp on what we actually are. Yes, that family secret you've been on the verge of wanting to know, but never asked the right person? I know all about it. The second time your mother's spirit visited me was her last. She came to me to apologize about everything. Why? Because God himself let her know in that time of "afterlife" that I was the one that was wronged the most by her, not you. She came, her pride was stripped, and she finally after so long, apologized after so much pain, for so long, and then she left.
I know about you, I've known completely about you to the core. You are angry at me, because I've "never helped you financially". I mean why would I when almost every time, you've lied to me. Your own family members warned me to never give you money. Every. Last. One. Your aunt gave me a horrifying two hour conversation about you and what you have chosen to become. Living with her for free, and talking bad about her living conditions on the phone with your "friends". Oh those same "friends" that abandoned you when you needed a place to stay? You lied to me about needing that rent money. Yes, I had $400 in my pocket that night you came to see me. Hell, I could have even paid your entire rent off, had you not lied to me. I would have done it too had everyone else not warned me not to.
Despite your bad decisions, you clearly only think about yourself. But why would you think about other people? According to you, we're never "there". Despite the fact that we help you everytime and get absolutely nothing in return everytime. Yes, I am your family, yes I am your uncle, and NEVER have you given me any reverence. Why would I help you, when you are strung out on molly and bad decisions? You are angry because I wouldn't give you a dollar when you were calling me at 11:29 at night? Oh, that wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I just finished working a 12 hour shift on my feet all day and was covered in sweat? But of course, you don't care about that, you only think about yourself.
Despite even this, I already know your future. You do become successful, but it takes a very huge heart ache for you to finally "get it". The best man in your entire life is going to come into your life, and you are going to treat him life utter trash. He will attempt to heal that blackened heart of yours and will fail. And then he will leave you. And it is there, within all of those tears and cursing, you'll finally "get it". You'll see what a little monster you've been. Drink some grow the fuck up and finally be the owner of that dance studio you have always wanted. You will make headlines and you will meet great people, and it will mean nothing to you.
Because despite everything you go through, you will always be that little dancer boy.
Q
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